fear, rain, frustration

So this morning I went to but on this bead necklace I have. As soon as I started to get it over my head it BROKE and little seed beads flew EVERYWHERE! Ahhhhh! It wasn’t my favorite necklace and I can make another but there are beads all over my room now. In fact this morning they keep falling out of places..like my shirt….funny times..

So I came to a thought yesterday as I was pondering life and all its oddities. I have a big fear. I have no fear of being in another relationship-in fact that would be quite nice… but I have the fear of the commitment in a relationship. I fear that the other person will be committed for awhile but will then back out. I realized that until I am married and am committed to someone by marriage that fear will always be in the back of my mind. It makes me mad and frustrates me when I think about that-think about the reasons for my feelings and how they affect me in such a big way. I know that the other person in the relationship will be able to tell me they won’t leave me, but I always think-what if? Or what if I do something that makes them mad? It shouldn’t be that way and I shouldn’t have to fear that-yet I do.

I guess the one thing I can always fully rely on is Christ in my life. He is the only constant I will ever have and through it all he never breaks his commitment or backs out because he is scared or unsure. He is right next to me …always… In jr high youth group last night we watched a Nooma dvd. These dvds are so great! It talked about rain and how through all the rains of life God is there holding us as tight as he can and telling us that we will make it through and he loves us. So often lately I feel like I pray and nothing happens-I am left with so much wondering and questioning. There aren’t major rains in my life, well they would probably not be major to anyone else but I guess they are major to me. I know He is there and I know He is holding me close, but the rain seems to never end-always drizzling and pouring down at times. I just get so tired of it, so tired of holding on and trusting but not seeing anything. I guess I need to think that I really am seeing things-I am seeing what he wants me to see at this point and he is giving me answers right now-just not the answers I hope for or desire. Yet, my desires are not necessarily his desires.

Anyways…so I’m frustrated with life right now and frustrated when I realize how I have this huge fear of someone backing out on me in life and not following through on their promises. I need to continue to try to be someone who will be there and not decide to just abandon ship because things are frustrating or not going as planned. I know I won't do that and I know the fear and frustration it has instilled in me and I never want that to happen to someone I love and care for.

Even though I have this fear I guess I need to realize that the right person will take that fear away and replace it with the knowledge that it will never happen to me again. For that reason I wait and pray…..